March 5, 2009

Chipotle User's Guide

For those of you who haven't yet experienced the unmatched glory that is the burrito bol from Chipotle, you are cordially invited to join the Bolist Movement.

Becoming a bolist requires intense preparation. If you're not armed with the proper knowledge before entering your local Chipotle, the powerful post-bol emotions could be overwhelming. It's even possible you may never be satisfied by another meal again. Other than a bol, that is. But don't worry. I've done the extensive research for you. I'm a veteran more than 500 bols in. You can always come here for ammunition for the fight.

Before I get to the perfectly seasoned meat and cilantro rice of this post, let me first tell you a story that happened a couple of weeks ago. This story depicts merely one example of the interesting life stories you can create on any magical visit to the Chipotle in your neck of the woods.

My girlfriend, her sister and brother-in-law and me all went to our local Chipotle after an intense game of tennis (it's admissions like this that make me want to remain as anonymous as possible). Being the patriot that I am, I ordered the usual...a bol with double meat. A couple of my eating companions foolishly ordered burritos (unecessarily adding 400 tasteless calories to their dinners).

Midway through the meal, an entity sitting at the table next to ours looked up and started speaking to us. I say entity because it was an effeminate being clad in all black wearing a black hat that covered three-quarters of her face. A roller-suitcase sat perched in the chair next to her, she was counting money on the table and didn't appear to be eating.

At first, I thought maybe she had come from a funeral. Then it hit me. She was an angel of death. The Ghost of Chipotle Present.

Excuse you have any change to support a charity?

No, sorry we can't help you.

She became clearly distraught by our lack of interest and immediatly revealed her insanity.

That's okay. That's fine. We don't need yo' money. Obama's gonna see to that. He's gonna make sure we don't need yo' money.

She continued to ramble under her breath incessantly for the next two uninterrupted minutes. As her eyes began glowing a blood red, I turned the group and recommended we jet before she gets a good enough look at our faces to complete our voodoo dolls.

Never a dull moment at Chipotle.

Without further delay, here's the essential Chipotle User's Guide. It contains all the most up-to-date Chipotle terms so you can eat with confidence:

Let's first memorize the PreamBol:

We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect diet, establish culinary justice, insure nutritional tranquility, provide with the common ingredients, promote the general welfare via the bol, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Chipotle User's Guide.

Glossary of terms:

Pre-bol (adj): vernacular term that describes the period of time and state of mind just prior to bol consumption.

Post-bol (adj): vernacular term that describes the period of time and state of mind immediately after bol consumption.

Boler (syn. bolist) (n): a person who enjoys Chipotle bols.

Communist (n): a person who doesn't enjoy Chipotle bols.

Bolism (n): an addiction to bols. Sufferers, and I use the word loosely, typically consume 3-5 bols per week.

Bolphoria (n): the heightened sense of self-awareness and unequivocal culinary satisfaction felt just after consumption of a bol.

Bolphoric State (n): a brief 15-60 minute period of time (post-bol) where complete satisfaction sets in before you begin thinking about your next bol.

Blue bols (n): state of being that results from consuming a bol without double meat; like its unpunned counterpart, it's better than nothing at all but isn't fully satisfying

Bolgasm (n): an explosive state of pre-bol bolphoria that results from a free or comped bol.

Multiple Bolgasm (n): an exceptionally rare and uncontrollable state of bolphoria that results when both your bol and the bol of your dining companion are comped. Only the most elite bolists will ever experience a multiple bolgasm. Some say its existence is an urban legend.

Key phrases:

Let's go boling: A formal invitation to spice up your day via a bol.

Bol it off: a colloquial expression exchanged between two bolists to avoid a potential conflict.

Example #1:

Friend 1 to stranger at bar who just knocked his beer onto the floor:

Dude what the fuck is the matter with you?

Friend 2 to Friend 1:

Dude, forget about it. Just bol it off.

Example #2:

Friend 1 to stranger who just cut him off in a righthand turn lane but is going straight:

Dude, what the fuck is the matter with you?

Friend 2 to Friend 1:

Dude, relax. Let's bol it off.

Example #3:

Friend 1 to stranger walking out of his apartment carrying his plasma TV and PS3 and wearing a ski mask:

Dude, what the fuck is the matter with you?

Friend 2 to Friend 1:

Dude, they don't have TVs at Chipotle. And they don't need them. Let's bol it off.

If you think of any terms that need to be included to complete the glossary or key phrases section, please let me know. Healthy appetites depend on it.

Special thanks to Joe for helping me coin several of the glossary terms.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

That deserves a Bolitzer Prize